I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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