She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
