i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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