if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
