getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
