I am puke
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
