Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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