I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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