does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
