Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
