I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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