nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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