I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She tied me up with her honor cords...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
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I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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