just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
