He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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