They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
