I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
