Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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