Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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