I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
