So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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