And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
