I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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