So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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