I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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