I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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