is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
