I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
