If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
