it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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