Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
