I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
