we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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