this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
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i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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