I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
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Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
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They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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