How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
