im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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