Apparently you make a good broom.
I can text with my tongue
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
