i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
