How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
