I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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