I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
