Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
