I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
