What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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