Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
