I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
