the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
