I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
