awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
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I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
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I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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