you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
