how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
