On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
