I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
