I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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