take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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