he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
